Life keeps moving...

Just over a month has passed since our sweet little Samuel went to be with Jesus. Life continues to happen. Our days are filled with moments of joy thinking of what it to come in our future, but sometimes, there are still moments of pure sadness. Sadness so overwhelming that I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't have the hope of knowing that God is holding us close and His plan is so much better than anything we could ever imagine. Not that it has been easy. One can never understand the pain of losing a child until they experience it, and after experiencing it, I can't even imagine the pain God went trough sending his ONLY son to die for OUR sins! What an incredible sacrifice, one that I used to have a hard time understanding.... I still don't understand it completely, but it's becoming easier.

You see, as a parent, (I know some people wouldn't consider us parents when we only had a baby for a few short weeks, and he never took a breath here on earth, but we are parents no less.) I believe, I would do anything, wait let me make that more clear, ANYTHING for my kids. That is how God must feel about us! He loves us, His children, SO MUCH, that He was willing to let Jesus die to save us from spending eternity without Him! He sent Jesus to earth with the purpose of dying for me and YOU! How incredible is that? He was willing to let Jesus suffer so we wouldn't have to!

Wow, that got a little deeper than I originally intended that post to get, but I guess that is what happens when you just let go and start typing...

Samuel,

We still miss you everyday. We still love you more than you could ever imagine. I promise you my love, we will never forget you! I can't wait to hold you in my arms!

All my Love,

Your Momma

2 Weeks....

My sweet Samuel,

It has already been 2 weeks since you slipped away from us. Life continues to move on when sometimes your daddy and I just wish time could stand still. Our arms are still empty, and our hearts are still broken, but you will never understand that. You will never have to experience sadness or a broken heart. You will never feel pain. These are the things that keep us going. You are safe with the creator of the universe. Our sadness is at times overwhelming, but we know that we are only sad for selfish reasons.

My sweet boy, I'm trying so hard to get rid of my selfishness and be happy that you are safe and I'll see you someday, but it is so hard. Even though I never even got to meet you, I miss you every minute. I love you my son. I can't wait for the day we will be together again.

All My Love,

Your Momma

Sweet Samuel Boy,

Will this ache in my heart ever go away? I think of you all the time, wondering what you are doing in heaven. Are you shy? Do you love to be around people? Is your sweet belly ticklish? What makes you giggle? Oh my sweet boy, you momma aches for you every minute. My heart hurts knowing you are not growing inside me any more. Oh Samuel, I hope you know how much your mommy and daddy love you and miss you. There hasn’t been a day we haven’t cried since we lost you.

I love seeing your name every day on your Daddy’s shoulder. It brings me such comfort and peace. I love to touch it and think of you and I love to kiss it too.

I promise you that we will never forget you my sweet boy. Our hearts will never be the same.

All my Love,

Your Momma

My Darling Samuel,

My heart is so heavy tonight. I miss you more than words will ever be able to tell you. I hate feeling so empty inside. My darling, Momma was getting so used to talking to you and touching my belly where you were so safely tucked away. It is so hard to remember that you aren’t safe inside me anymore. I’m so glad you are safe with Jesus, but that doesn’t make it easier not to have you here. Oh my sweet boy, it was so hard to be in church today. Every song made your momma cry. My arms ache to hold you, to touch your sweet little nose and kiss your sweet silky cheeks. I wonder what you look like, do you have your daddy’s beautiful eyes? Do you have his curls? Do you make sweet sounds while you are sleeping? As your momma I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I know you are so content sitting with our precious Savior, but I miss you terribly.

Oh Samuel, My heart is broken. Your Daddy and I prayed from the beginning that we would raise you to Love Jesus. That we would dedicate you to God and we prayed for God to do His will in your life. We really truly meant those prayers when we prayed them. We know that God’s plan is best, yet we still ache for you. I don’t think that our sadness will ever go away completely. You are and will always be our precious first baby.

Your Daddy got you name tattooed on his shoulder on Friday. It is so special to see your name there, the place momma kisses each night before we fall asleep. It will be our constant reminder of the joy you have brought to our lives.

Oh my sweet son, please know you will never be forgotten. Our hearts will always bare the scars of losing you. I’m sending you hugs and kisses.... I so wish I could deliver them to you myself, but that will have to wait for someday.

I love you Samuel, so very much. I miss you and can’t wait to finally hold you in my arms.

All my Love,

Your Momma

Another Moment...

My Darling Samuel,

Your Momma’s heart is so sad today. Yesterday morning around 3am I woke up and my tummy was cramping so bad. I got up to go to the bathroom and realized something was terribly wrong. I was loosing you! I stayed awake most of the night. Your daddy held me close while I cried and prayed that it would stop. We went to see Dr Gehlbach. He confirmed our worst fears. You had already slipped away. Oh my sweet baby. Your momma misses you so! My heart breaks every time I reach to touch the place you used to be and I remember that you are now with Jesus. Our little prince, I hurt so bad knowing that I won’t ever get to hold you until we meet in heaven, but I am comforted knowing that you are with people who love you. Tell Aunt Sissy’s little Hope hello and that we miss her so too. Give Grandma Wanda and Grandma Margret hugs and tell them I can’t wait to meet them. Sit by Jesus’ feet and soak up His glory. Please know your momma and daddy miss you so and we love you more than you will ever know. I can’t wait to hold you my love. Until then, I’ll just keep missing you. Thanks for bringing so much joy to me in the few weeks I had you safe inside. You are my dream come true! Your daddy and I have been reading Ruth and when we finished that book we kept going and started reading 1 Samuel. I have always loved that story. How Hannah prayed and prayed for a baby. When she finally had one, Samuel, she raised him till he was old enough and then gave him to Eli in the temple. Samuel was her dream come true and she gave him to God to use for his purpose. So your Daddy and I have decided to name you Samuel. Our precious son who we prayed and prayed for. We have given you to the only one who can love you more than we do! Oh my sweet boy, my heart breaks yet is so happy that you will never know the pain of this world. God’s plan may not have been what we expected, but He is still in control. Oh Samuel, We love you so! Please know that we do! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss you over and over. Until then, my heart will be heavy!

I love you baby!

You Momma

Pickles & Mac and Cheese

My sweet little Guppy,

It has been awhile since I last wrote to you! We went to the Dr last tuesday and got to see you on the Ultrasound! You are still so tiny, but you were growing just like you were supposed to! Dr Gehlbach gave us a picture of you! I keep it on my night stand and look at it every day! Tomorrow we go back to see you again. Oh my little Guppy, My love for you grows each day! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you! Mommy is still worried about you. I have been spotting everyday... its so nerve wracking! Daddy and Momma are praying so hard that when we go see you tomorrow you will be getting bigger and we will get to see your heartbeat! Oh what an amazing sight that will be!

You have been making your momma so very sleepy! I can hardly stay awake when I sit down! But, I would sleep the day away if it meant you were safe! Other than being tired, Momma hasn’t felt too bad. Food doesn’t sound good that much but you seem to really like Mac and cheese and pickles! :-) Which is good, because Momma loves them too!

Oh Guppy, I have so many thoughts and dreams about you! Did you know that your Daddy and I have been waiting for you for over 2 years??!!! We have waited and waited and prayed and prayed for you my sweet little baby! I can’t believe that you are finally real! Momma needs to take a nap now. I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow at the Drs office! Keep holding on my darling! Daddy and I love you so!

All my love,

Your momma

Our first Ultra Sound....

Since my number weren't rising as quickly as they would like and I had had some spotting, the Dr wanted us to come in for an early ultrasound. I was so excited, yet so nervous. We prayed and prayed that everything would be ok. We knew that our faithful God was and is in control and loved our little guppy more than we did!

It was finally time to see our little Guppy. Matt held my hand and we watched in awe as we saw him on the screen. Our first glimpse of our precious miracle was amazing. The Dr said everything was looking great! We were so excited and relieved!

That night, I had a dream about holding our brand new baby, and it was a boy. He was the most beautiful, perfect thing I had ever seen. We continued to pray every day that God would do his will in our Guppy's life, that He would help us to raise Guppy to know Him. Matt and I were both at peace.