Another Moment...

My Darling Samuel,

Your Momma’s heart is so sad today. Yesterday morning around 3am I woke up and my tummy was cramping so bad. I got up to go to the bathroom and realized something was terribly wrong. I was loosing you! I stayed awake most of the night. Your daddy held me close while I cried and prayed that it would stop. We went to see Dr Gehlbach. He confirmed our worst fears. You had already slipped away. Oh my sweet baby. Your momma misses you so! My heart breaks every time I reach to touch the place you used to be and I remember that you are now with Jesus. Our little prince, I hurt so bad knowing that I won’t ever get to hold you until we meet in heaven, but I am comforted knowing that you are with people who love you. Tell Aunt Sissy’s little Hope hello and that we miss her so too. Give Grandma Wanda and Grandma Margret hugs and tell them I can’t wait to meet them. Sit by Jesus’ feet and soak up His glory. Please know your momma and daddy miss you so and we love you more than you will ever know. I can’t wait to hold you my love. Until then, I’ll just keep missing you. Thanks for bringing so much joy to me in the few weeks I had you safe inside. You are my dream come true! Your daddy and I have been reading Ruth and when we finished that book we kept going and started reading 1 Samuel. I have always loved that story. How Hannah prayed and prayed for a baby. When she finally had one, Samuel, she raised him till he was old enough and then gave him to Eli in the temple. Samuel was her dream come true and she gave him to God to use for his purpose. So your Daddy and I have decided to name you Samuel. Our precious son who we prayed and prayed for. We have given you to the only one who can love you more than we do! Oh my sweet boy, my heart breaks yet is so happy that you will never know the pain of this world. God’s plan may not have been what we expected, but He is still in control. Oh Samuel, We love you so! Please know that we do! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss you over and over. Until then, my heart will be heavy!

I love you baby!

You Momma

Pickles & Mac and Cheese

My sweet little Guppy,

It has been awhile since I last wrote to you! We went to the Dr last tuesday and got to see you on the Ultrasound! You are still so tiny, but you were growing just like you were supposed to! Dr Gehlbach gave us a picture of you! I keep it on my night stand and look at it every day! Tomorrow we go back to see you again. Oh my little Guppy, My love for you grows each day! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you! Mommy is still worried about you. I have been spotting everyday... its so nerve wracking! Daddy and Momma are praying so hard that when we go see you tomorrow you will be getting bigger and we will get to see your heartbeat! Oh what an amazing sight that will be!

You have been making your momma so very sleepy! I can hardly stay awake when I sit down! But, I would sleep the day away if it meant you were safe! Other than being tired, Momma hasn’t felt too bad. Food doesn’t sound good that much but you seem to really like Mac and cheese and pickles! :-) Which is good, because Momma loves them too!

Oh Guppy, I have so many thoughts and dreams about you! Did you know that your Daddy and I have been waiting for you for over 2 years??!!! We have waited and waited and prayed and prayed for you my sweet little baby! I can’t believe that you are finally real! Momma needs to take a nap now. I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow at the Drs office! Keep holding on my darling! Daddy and I love you so!

All my love,

Your momma

Our first Ultra Sound....

Since my number weren't rising as quickly as they would like and I had had some spotting, the Dr wanted us to come in for an early ultrasound. I was so excited, yet so nervous. We prayed and prayed that everything would be ok. We knew that our faithful God was and is in control and loved our little guppy more than we did!

It was finally time to see our little Guppy. Matt held my hand and we watched in awe as we saw him on the screen. Our first glimpse of our precious miracle was amazing. The Dr said everything was looking great! We were so excited and relieved!

That night, I had a dream about holding our brand new baby, and it was a boy. He was the most beautiful, perfect thing I had ever seen. We continued to pray every day that God would do his will in our Guppy's life, that He would help us to raise Guppy to know Him. Matt and I were both at peace.

My sweet little Guppy,

I am so scared I’m losing you. My levels are going up, but still not enough. Then today, I started spotting. The Dr says this is normal, but I'm still so worried. My heart aches at the thought of never feeling you move inside me and never holding you in my arms. I’ve gone through so many emotions in the last few hours! I’ve been so angry, sad, hopeful, and just downright sad! In the last 6 days I have said so many prayers for you! I have talked to you, touched where I know you are growing. Your daddy and I have been so very excited! We talk about you every night before we go to bed! He loves to rub my belly and tell you how much he loves you! We both love you so very much! Please keep growing guppy! Let’s show those Drs that you are ok! I can’t hardly stand to think I have to wait till next Tuesday to find out if you are ok. I just hope and pray that we will go in next week and the Dr will be able to show you to us and you will be absolutely perfect. Until then... know how much your momma and daddy love you! We will keep praying that you are perfectly fine!

I love you guppy!

Your Momma

My sweet little Guppy,

You are worrying your momma! Went in to the Dr today for another blood test to just make sure things are going well. My levels aren’t as high as they hoped. The nurse said the test they run aren’t completely accurate, so they just want to check one more time on Monday. Please my little Guppy, keep growing and stay where I can keep you safe! I need you to be ok! We know that God knows what is best for us and He is in control. No matter what happens, know that your Daddy and Momma love you so very much! Thank you for making us so happy and excited the past few days!

All my love,

Your Momma

Our Guppy

We decided to name our baby Guppy for now, until we knew for sure what it was and we could pick a name for it. I started keeping a journal on my computer in hopes that someday our sweet little baby could read it and know how excited we were about it's life!

My sweet little Guppy,

I’ve known about you for just a little over 24 hours and I can’t even explain to you how much I love you! Every time I think about you, I touch my belly where I know you are growing. I love knowing that you are there and safe and growing so quickly! 9 months seems so long to wait for you, but I know it will go so fast. I can’t imagine how it will feel to finally hold you in my arms! Your wonderful Daddy and I have been praying for you and hoping for you for so long! Now you are here and we can’t wait to finally touch you!

When the nurse called yesterday to let me know that I was pregnant, so many thoughts flew through my head! My hands began to tremble and I could hardly stand up! I was so excited and so thankful to know that our long awaited dreams were coming true! I thanked God over and over for blessing us with you!

I am so looking forward to every moment of the next 9 months. I can’t wait to experience the miracle of you! God has a very special plan for you my sweet little Guppy! I am so excited to see what that plan is! You have already brought so much joy to your Momma’s heart! It has been a long hard road, but now I have you to look forward to!

Your Daddy and I love you so very much! I could hardly sleep last night just thinking about how amazing it is that you are growing and becoming what God wants you to be! I have no idea if you are a boy or a girl, and I don’t care! I just want to keep you safe and warm and shower you with kisses when you decided to make your way into the world!

Keep growing my little Guppy, I’ll do all I can to keep you safe and warm! Know that your momma loves you so very much! I can’t wait to meet you my little miracle!

All my love,

Momma

One moment can change it all!

For over 2 years, Matt and I have been trying have a baby. About the time we started looking for a house, we gave up birth control and took the plunge. He was almost done with school, and we were both ready. We tried, and every month, we "failed". I tried not to get upset, I tried to just roll with it, but as the months came and went, I got discouraged. Each month, my sadness grew, each month more of our friends announced their great news that they were expecting. Some announced they were expecting a second time, it was heartbreaking.

After 15 months of failing, I finally went to the doctor. They ran tests, blood work, and finally told me that I wasn't ovulating on my own. The diagnosis, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I started Clomid. We poured our hearts out to God and prayed that it would work. Again, we failed. After 3 months of trying, they sent me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He was optimistic, we tired again, adding in another medication. Again, no baby.

And so the fun began. We began doing daily hormone injections, followed by Dr visit every 3 days, and finally IUI. The Dr and Nurses were astounded at how quickly I responded to treatment. Things were looking up! I was so hopeful! We waited the 2 weeks, went in for a pregnancy test, Again we were disappointed. I was so upset. I kept telling God that I didn't understand. If He didn't want us to be parents, then why wouldn't He take that desire away? We prayed, we cried, we moved on and tried again. All the while, I felt like a failure.

We started doing the daily injections again. For a girl who HATES needles, this was a real test! This time, the process took much longer. So long in fact I began to just think maybe God was just telling us to stop. We stuck with it and kept going.

On May 12, our 3 year anniversary, we were just heading to bed when our house was hit by a tornado. Our cars were totaled, our house was severely damaged, but Matt and I were untouched. God's plan started to become so much more clear. I couldn't imagine going through that with a baby! How horrible that would have been.

We moved to a hotel and eventually to a temporary apartment while they are fixing our house... all the while still doing daily injections and going to the Dr every 3 days. I was exhausted. On May 26th, I was finally ready for my second IUI. Matt and I prayed while we were waiting for God's will to be done, just like we had every month. We waited the 2 weeks... which seemed to fly by with everything else that was going on.

I was sure failure was inevitable this month, just like it had been for the past 24 months. We went in on June 9, for blood work. Matt came with me to work that day. I was dreading the phone call telling me that again this month we had failed. Matt went out to pick up lunch for us, I put the kids to bed, and my phone rang. I answered. It was Jane, one of my favorite nurses. She said, "You know, sometimes good things follow all of the bad, Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

My knees felt weak, my heart started pounding, I could hardly stand I was shaking so badly. I sat down and cried, I praised the Lord for our baby! Such a precious little life growing inside me. I could hardly wait for Matt to get back so I could tell him. When he walked in the door, I gave him a big hug and said, "Hi daddy!". He cried, he was so excited! The joy we felt was unexplainable! We called a few friends and family who knew we were trying, and smiled the rest of the day.

It still amazes me how one moment can change it all......